Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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