im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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