The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
