i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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