I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
