i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
of course. lets lasso hookers.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I had to cum in my sink.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
