I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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