yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
