i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
