is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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