i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
