in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
