I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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