Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
