so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
