i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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