I need to stop coming to work sober
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
