I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
