I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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