I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
