my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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