Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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