I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
