i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
