I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
