Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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