It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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