it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
