new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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