Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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