Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
