Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
