Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
