I faked an abortion last night.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
