My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
