What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
