My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
