the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
