Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
