there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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