We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize