Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
