Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm getting married
To pizza
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
