who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
