He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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