Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
