I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
