Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
