It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
