i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
