just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
