she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
