it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
