My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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