We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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