its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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