So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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