We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My vagina is officially offended.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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