if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
