Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
